Divorced, you would have loved to see them play together, accomplices, as a harmonious pledge of your beautiful stepfamily. But when your child comes for the weekend or several days, he is fighting a lot with your partner's. What to do? The answers of Christophe Fauré, psychiatrist and psychotherapist and author of How do you love you, and your children? The challenge of the stepfamily (Albin Michel, 2014).Anne Lanchon
Reassure him about your affection
The rivalry for the love and the attention of the parents exists in all the siblings, but in the blended families, it is exacerbated often, especially if one of the children only lives there intermittently. And if the other took the opportunity to "steal" his father, his mother? "Quarrels between quasi-siblings are sometimes a symptom of significant stress, unrelated to their affinities, explains Christophe Fauré. is sad to see her parent less, hate this woman who has ousted her mother, this man who thinks he is his father and, as a result, he confronts himself with the "other" child. " He may need to be reassured about your affection, by words and deeds.
Book a few moments alone. Encourage him to express his concerns, tell him that you understand him, but that your life has changed. Show him that he has his place here as well as with his other parent: for example, if he does not have his own room, by reserving a shelf in the bathroom, with his napkin and his brush. teeth.
Harmonize your way of life, be fair
A family that recomposes itself is two universes that meet each other, with different habits and values. Here, we go to bed at 8 pm; there at 10 pm Here, we drink a soda at table; there, water. These educational differences are a source of contention, as children experience them as injustices.
"New spouses must address these issues before moving in together, advises Christophe Fauré, and try to harmonize their lifestyles, their educational principles."
If children do not respect the rules, try to react as naturally as possible, putting aside your feelings: your guilt to impose this situation on your child, the desire of your partner to be accepted by him. An excess of indulgence with one, and it is the conflict assured.
Remember, finally, that your child has just gone through an ordeal. He had to mourn his life before, found a precarious balance, woven special ties with you during the period when you were alone, and now a in-law invades his space!His coping skills are probably saturated.
Give him time to tame this step-parent or quasi-brother, whom he has not chosen and is not obliged to appreciate. Accept that his aggression sometimes spills over them, as long as it remains reasonable. Aggressiveness is a natural reaction to an unstable situation. Time is essential for a family to come together, really.