To live in couple and not to argue, it is possible. Even if the domestic quarrels are deemed unavoidable. One can learn to discuss, even subjects who are angry ... without hurting themselves, without being violent, and above all, without putting the love to bad. The explanations of the psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer.Margaux Rambert
We often hear that the arguments are normal, even good for a couple. What do you think?
Fabienne Kraemer: In a relationship of love, we invest a lot, we reveal our intimacy, we share a daily, which creates many moments of annoyance and possible friction. But in no case are the disputes obligatory. They are also not a sign of good marital health, or of intact passion. The problem is their deleterious side. Repeated, they lead to consider the other as his enemy, and no longer as his friend. It happens that we look for reasons to make a scene only to argue or to harm the other.
Often, the argument starts from a specific point, leading to a cascade of reproaches. Why?
Fabienne Kraemer: Very often, the household scene is shifted in relation to the subject. For example, a man will make a scene for his wife because she has an attitude towards another who did not like it. In fact, the real problem is that he is sexually frustrated right now because things are not going well between them. Or when they do not make enough love. But that, it will have a lot of trouble to say it. The arguments are often the crystallization of some frustrations - which do not always have to do with the couple - things that are not said. The proof is that we argue less on vacation, away from stress and everyday life. The other problem is the cumulative aspect of conflicts. Often, we come out the subject of the last time and so stack the reproaches, with this desire to empty his bag.
But precisely, can not emptying his bag do good sometimes?
Fabienne Kraemer: Saying is always better than not saying. But why wait to be at the stage of abscess to break through to do it? It would be better to learn to say things differently, in the moment, and especially, nicely. Because in the disputes, one quickly becomes hurtful. How many times do your words go beyond your thinking and do you want to immediately? The argument is a gear. Thus, it is often the person we love the most that we talk the worst and that we lack the most respect. Except that verbal, physical or psychological violence kills the couple.A more or less long term. It's not possible to resist. There are words and gestures that are never forgotten. And if she does not kill the couple because people stay, she kills the love.